my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
A+ Viking dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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