I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
