i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
