____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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