The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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