i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
