he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
