from now on my penis is your penis
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
