Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My vagina is officially offended.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
