She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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