I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
