i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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