There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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