trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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