If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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