my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
