Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
