Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
