the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
