see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
