I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
