I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
