Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
