My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
So. Much. Porn.
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