she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
