She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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