If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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