When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
