I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
