Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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