I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
