dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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