Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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