I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
