??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
