Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
