Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
