Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
