ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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