also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Randomize
