Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
