Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
