If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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