It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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