the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
