I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
