Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
