What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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