...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
