Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
