My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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